Friday, 7 September 2012

Us. Now.

The blogging lark didn't get off to much of a good start to be honest.  I just didn't have the time. Didn't really feel I had anything of importance that anyone would want to read worth putting online.  Now with my emotions and thoughts all over the place, I have decided even if no-one wants to read it, it will be nice to write it down and get it off my chest.

Anyway, the last three months has been a roller-coaster of emotion, with Anest being born, her being rushed into hospital for 10 weeks, and coming out with an eleven week old baby with a Tracheostomy. All the things that go with that, and a baby being fed with a NG tube which requires a pump.  Then when you feel that finally everything is sorted, lets just get on with our lives until the day that her little beautiful body sorts itself out and all these foreign objects can be removed, some other problem appears....she's not holding her head up for long enough for her age, for some reason when she cries she makes no facial expression, and now there is a problem with her eyes and it seems very likely that she is blind. So now we have to wait three weeks for someone to see her to find out for sure and until we know all the facts, we can't move on.  We are in Limbo.  Looking for little signs that she can see SOMETHING, ANYTHING, and then you are afraid what you did see you imagined so it needs to be sorted once and for all.  Something we are told needs to be done as soon as possible, which to be means that week, but to the health profession means within three months.  

It just feels like one thing after another, just when you come to grips with one problem and think 'We can cope with that - it's not the end of the world' some other problem appears and you have to go through the whole thing again, googling it, trying to learn everything you possibly can, wishing you had not googled it and found out certain bits of information, denial, acceptance and finally just wanting to know the best way to get on with your life with that new problem.   It's hard sometimes, thinking something horrible, needing to say it aloud to somebody, but knowing you don't want to burden someone else with that thought, so things tend to build up sometimes it just has to get out.

Anyway, I've had my little rant, feel a bit better, and now I am going to rant about my next thing!
This house. Is. Such. A. Mess.
I've learnt through this all, that cleaning is my coping-mechanism.  When Anest was in hospital I'd be in hospital all day, then come home and clean manically.  I tried to keep it pretty clean so that when I came home I wouldnt have that much to do.  But with two other children as well, and a messy Fiance,  sometimes if someone kindly came to relieve me early, and I came home a bit earlier and the house was a typical run-by-man-and-kids mess then that would be it, I'd break down.
The whole hospital thing made me realise I was a control freak.  Everything had to be just so.  Things had to be perfect.  When they weren't I couldn't cope, and when they were I was fine and coping well.  It's strange.
It's the same now.  But now, I am in the house longer, I am noticing more and more things, things that could be over-looked when I was in the hospital because I wasn't home for long enough to notice.  And Now we have been given harder and more things to come to terms with and to cope with, and this house is not helping!

So, The In-Laws have taken the older two to the beach and for a picnic and in between sorting out Anest I am going to declutter this house.  That is the biggest problem. The clutter.  Stuff we dont really need. Stuff in the wrong place.  It's got to be done.  So am going to start with the kitchen cupboards because everytime you open them everything falls out.

I've been on the FLYlady website (fab website) it teaches you how to be organised and have the perfect house and to keep the CHAOS (Cant have anyone over syndrome) away.  I have made my control journal (you need to go on the website to understand) and I am ready to go.

I'll keep you posted!  

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